Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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