I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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