the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
false alarm. still invincible.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
