Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
