Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
There was a lot of him and a little penis
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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