There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
