so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
