i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
