I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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