i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize