she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
