guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
