i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
