It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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