Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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