; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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