Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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