He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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