Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How does one acquire holy water?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
