I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
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The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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