will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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