You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
ok first of all what the fuck
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
