someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
