the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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