I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
