I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
