I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
