Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
