A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
