I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
