They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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