Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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