i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
