If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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