Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
