My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
