I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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