Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
