there's paper in my vomit.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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