the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
