So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
