Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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