3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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