New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
