I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The Olympian is in my bed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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