i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
