when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
