I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
