I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
