i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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