i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.