I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.