I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard