Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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